I’m fairly certain that there is an animal living inside of me. I don’t mean this metaphorically, I mean this actually. There is a real wild animal living inside of me.
I know this because there are things that I say that are not my words. And things that I think that are not my thoughts. Hunger pangs I have that make no sense.
It is a really not so nice of an animal. It’s more like a creature, more like that. One that really is only living there because it got stuck there at some point. Maybe I swallowed it when I was really little and it was really little and the two of us grew side by side with each other. And it kinda found places that it could live inside without my knowing and without really bothering me too much. I imagine that it felt kinda safe.
I call it “IT” because I’m not sure if it is a girl or a boy. I have not had any information from it that would let me know if it was a girl or a boy.
I have not seen this animal. I keep looking for it. I have recently taken to trying to see if I can see it. I have been trying to look for it down my throat, up my ass, inside my vagina, in my ears, nostril….
No hints of its physical presence seem to be rearing it’s ugly little head.
Ok, I know, I’m assuming it’s ugly, I’m assuming it’s ugly because it says ugly things and has ugly thoughts and infects the pristine landscape of my pristine mind!
Yesterday I took some pictures of myself in the mirror trying to find it. Maybe there would be a remnant of it’s being somewhere. Because I haven’t had any sisters, and my mother was pretty chaste about sharing things of the vagina with me, any things of the vagina, events that were important things of the vagina, like my period… For god sake. I thought I was bleeding to death, had a big cut inside me or some creature inside me having a field day with chomping on some really tender parts of my inner flesh? I’m not totally convinced that wasn’t happening. I’m thinking maybe it was happening.
Maybe it was teething or getting frustrated with being inside of another being.
Anyway,looking up into my vagina was a really weird thing for me. I really haven’t spend any time in my life doing that. But I did it anyway in my quest to find any evidence of my physical inner animal.
Nothing. I saw nothing giving me any indication that there was anything inside of there. Although it did look kind of foreign to me. Maybe it WAS the animal… Don’t know.
So I tried to look elsewhere… Find some evidence, scatter, anything at all that would help. Maybe a little weird hair left behind from some shedding moment, or something like that.
Nothing.
I even had a dream about this wild animal. It looked pretty hairy, big and ugly. In my dream, yes it was ugly, an ugly wild bore. It had to be a bore because it just spend most of its time simply living inside MY body, never going out, never exploring anything on its own. Really a BORE! And it was a bit of a pig, because it was simply using me as a vehicle, a place for it to hide and steal and take shits inside me when it felt necessary, because nothing I did would make me feel sick when I got sick. I am certain that this wild bore was simply using places inside my body that we’re not designated toilet facilities for the times it needed to poop and such. Really gross. I must say like really gross. Just like a pig.
So I’m gonna keep looking for this thing, this animal. Sometimes I get confused as to what is the animal and what is me. Like I know that sounds confusing, but sometimes I’m not sure if the animal is saying things inside me or simply thinking things. I mean really like it lives inside me, so I’m the only person who can hear it. So when he thinks something or says anything, I hear it inside my head. And sometimes I get confused as to whether or not it’s words and feelings are mine or planted there. Because so many times there’s nothing making me feel the way I suddenly feel for no fucking reason!
END of chapter 1
Val Sivilli 